This plane ain't landing soon

Like a drooling 2 year old opening his birthday present, I clicked on the ICC’s Future Tours Programme link on Cricinfo to check out the series India would be playing over the next two years. Going through the programme reminded me of the famous fairy tale about the child who OD’d on candy, ballooned up and finally rolled over with his fingers sticking to his face. Haven’t heard of it? It’s right there – next to Little Red Riding Hood and Cinderella.

The amount of cricket being played these days has been a long standing gripe of players and pundits alike. However, like Vincent Van Gogh, the BCCI seems to have one ear and that is lent solely to the tinkling sound of money pouring in. You might say that the programme has been developed by ICC , not the BCCI. But agreeing to ICC’s hare brained schemes is like going to watch a Salman Khan movie because the 4 year old next door said it’s good.

Let me outline what the Indian team has in store over the next two years (remember they have already been playing almost continuously since the Bangladesh tour in May). Pakistan arrive with November for 3 Tests and 5 ODIs. After playing them in the 4^th series in as many years, India depart for Antipodean shores to try and compete in four tests (which include Perth) followed by the usual inane matches that comprise the annual tri-series. This ODI glut takes us to end of February. Now, since neighbourly relations have to be nurtured, the team flies to Bangladesh for three ODI’s which will be as memorable as that match in 2004 between India and...which...won by...runs/wickets. Don’t remember? You can’t be serious! Moving on, these matches will serve as appetizers for a gloriously unending feast – the kind where the guests stuff themselves pink with tandoori chicken and proceed to spoil their lovely environs with projectile vomiting. What I mean is that the South Africans will be in town. The completion of three tests against Proteas will herald the unheralded (and rightly so) Asia Cup. I am really looking forward to that. I swear. After these festivities, the team flies to Zimbabwe. Aah Zimbabwe! God’s own country, shaped by man into a paradise on Earth. Maybe the players will get Robert Mugabe’s autograph to bring home to show the wife and kids. As a mark of solidarity to the Zimbabwean public, the team will play only two tests and three ODIs before returning home. Point well made.

So. July ’08 is upon us and it’s the perfect time to hop over to Sri Lanka for three (see how we punished Mugabe? That’ll show him!) tests and 5 ODIs. 20 match days take us to end of August. Time for a well earned rest? You must be crazy?! Bring out your best clothes and biggest trumpet (I know what you are thinking you dirty SOB), for the Champions Trophy is upon us! It’s been so long since a pointless tournament was conducted and we are all craving for some of that aren’t we? The excitement will barely have died down when Australia pay a visit for 4 tests. Normally this would be something to look forward to, but by this time India would probably have called upon the entire ESPN commentary team (Bhogle included) to stand in for the players who will be in various states of disrepair. The Holy Trinity will probably be witnessing this with harps in their hands and halos round their heads.

England will return this summer’s favour by coming down for 3 tests and 7 (a special treat) ODIs. After two months of inevitable whining the Poms will return and India will travel west for the series all of us used to look forward to. By the way, we are in Dec. ’08. Anyway, India and Pakistan will meet yet again in the Sub Continental version of the Ashes (I call them R-ASHES – because they are difficult to get rid of and become painful after a while. It’s very clever. I know). So Feb’09 passes us by and it’s up up and away to New Zealand for our supermen. After proving once again that New Zealand pitches need an invasion of sacred Indian cows, a tri series with Sri Lanka and South Africa beckons. Having seen that trifle off, the Defending Champions or at least what’s left of them, land in England in June ’09 for a defence of their T20 crown.

I am placing 100 quid on India retaining their title.

Finally, after playing continuously for more than 2 years, Team India gets a break of four months. Lazy Bastards! Lynch them all I say!